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| i haven't written here since before my birthday. jesus, it's almost my birthday again. (not exactly, but close enough) there are a couple reasons for that and i'll get to it. my birthday was wonderful. well, Brian always makes every holiday wonderful for me. Christmas, too, was extremely amazing. i was really happy with that day because i got to go to Brian's and also see his family. the musical was out of this world. it really couldn't have turned out any better. i met so many great people that have carried over to my regular life and i hang out with all the time. Urinetown was one of the best experiences of my life. i took my math regents the first time and passed with a 65. i didn't get to do drivers ed in the spring, so it sucked i had to delay getting my license. although, it was well worth it because i auditioned for the singing group Odyssey! which actually was extremely hard to get in to, but i did! that carried out every tuesday until the spring concert, where i cried like a baby to sing Lord Bless for the very last time with my music family. then, prom and graduation. prom was fun, but i enjoyed Brian's a lot more. i think it's half because it hit me that this was all over and half because i had to face some people i never planned on facing again. that sounds like the same thing, but the second one is more negative. trust me. graduation was fun, we sang our senior song and i just cracked jokes the whole time. couldn't have my beautiful friends or me crying that morning. i'm now getting ready to go to St. John's. it is extremely exciting, but a lot of minor things have happened since my birthday, too.
for instance, i lost two friends. Steve and Mallory. it was shocking to not have either of them around at first, but now it's just depressing. like, really? it can and is over just like that? both were my choice. i have my doubts from time to time that maybe it wasn't a good decision, but if i don't stick to my word, who will take me seriously? i hurt a lot from this. i can't talk to anyone about it. guess that's also where therapy comes in. i've been going every week. i was told i have moderate to severe depression and anxiety. i guess i believe it, but it sucks to just be told that. especially when i don't have any control over it. it's more of a clinical depression.
to be entirely honest, the title of this is: "I have been a baby." because i really have been. it's sickening how many times i tried to write on here, almost hyperventilated from what i wrote, and quickly deleted it, or stopped in the middle of writing and canceled. i think the only reason i'm still writing on this right now is because i'm being so broad, but i'd like to believe i'm getting better. i want to update this more often, but no promises.
meet me where your mind won't kiss me.
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| i took a mental health day off from work. i'm sure it'll do me no good. i need to get homework done, though. hopefully it'll help.
i feel awful for Brian :( he's so sick. i sound selfish but it just sucks that i haven't seen him in two weeks and now it looks like it'll be three. the worst part is the next time i'll see him is on my birthday and i really don't want that, but what can i do?
my tummy hurts. i need to take a nice long hot shower, work on some homework, and blast music.
the musical is marvelous. i'm so proud of everyone already.
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| so my aunt took me to see Wicked last saturday. so so so amazing. it's cool because it explains where the lion, scarecrow, and tin man came from and why they were lacking the brain, heart, and courage. :) then after that she took me to my definition of heaven. Stardust. a restaurant with aspiring broadway actors/singers. amazing, amazing, amazing. my future job :)
school, musical rehearsal, work, sleep.
that's my life until the end of January.
i have no time to be sad, ergo, i'm really not. :)
don't seep through please?
and boy oh boy i want romantic movies like crazy.
i don't think Brian reads this, but i wish he'd come here early. like thursday. i get out of practice at 5, but probably will be let out early. i'd love for him to just show up here and have some amazing love movie waiting for me to watch and just have some popcorn and be all scrubbed out and relax. it is so needed in my life with the constant busy-ness. which i just realized business is the actual word i'd be using. ha. it made me laugh, at least.
i miss my boy.
i'm more excited to see him than i am for my actual birthday next week. i'm pretty sure he thinks it's the other way around with the way i've been counting down the days for my birthday. he doesn't know i've been counting down the days until i see him and how much happier he makes me over the silly day i was born 17 years ago. :) shh.
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| I should probably stop telling people things to see if they actually care enough to ask me about them. I try so hard to keep on top of everyone else's lives. I'm one person out of the billions of people on this earth. How hard is it to just remember some things about someone you love and see all the time?
Well, xanga blog thing, I am quite excited for my last first musical rehearsal. I cannot wait to focus a lot of my attention and thoughts on Urinetown. Lovely.
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| i'm just going to be completely honest and say what i want to say and not beat around the bush.
i want you and i want you forever.
that's all.
have a good night.
<3
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